Randall boggs
randall is a tape worm monster and the son of Randall's Mom and current us vice president mike pence. he loves scaring children almost as much as he loves calling them slurs on twitter. he is the inventor of the slur extractor machine, and also he likes to drink toilet water. he is one of the most contagious diseases in the world, and delights in infecting everything and everyone he can get his slimy worm hands on. early life in eastern europe randall was born in a taco bell drive thru, which has since been renamed the international scarlett johansson orphanage and day spa. it is named after scarlett "scarjo" johansson, the world's first trans-ethnic actress and a personal friend of randall. randalls father is current us vice president mike pence, whom accidentally impregnated randalls mom through unprotected eye contact. randall has never met his father, and pence will always deny that they're related. randalls mom is a professional lesbian, and she still does his tax returns even though he is a fandom elder king. randall has an older sister, Rat Furry, who looks like him except shes pretty in every way hes ugly. once he was ready to start school, randall self-enrolled at the hogwarts academy for racism and slavery using his mothers credit card. he did this because he heard rumors that his father was a a headmaster there, but instead he got stuck in the class of Severus Snape from the Harry Potter Series. randall failed all his classes except the ones where he got to be racist, which was all of them. it was also at this time that randall learned how to write, and began writing letters to his father begging for money to play nintendo switch games. mike pence never replied, but his mother found out and bought him a switch anyways. it is possible that randall mightve attended the same harry potter slavery-loving school as Onceler Moen, but considering how much jk rowling contradicts herself its probably a coincidence. college experience after graduating from hogwarts academy for racism and slavery, randall enrolled in monsters university, where he met his then roommate and future arch enemy mike wazowski. it was mike who told randall that only cucks wear prescription glasses, which prompted randall to stop wearing them. unknown to mike, randalls glasses were the only thing keeping his hatred of minorities in check, and immediately after taking them off, randall called mike a misogynistic slur. mike brushed it off as boys being boys, however, and despite randalls sudden lack of rights, the two would continue being friends until mike's expulsion from the scare program. when mike was forced to leave the scare program, randall immediately eloped in a polysexual demiplatonic quaisromantic relationship with every member of roar omega roar (ROR), the most prestigious fraternity on campus. in return they allowed him to sleep in a cardboard box near the fire place and cook all their meals. randall was overjoyed by this, and called them many homophobic slurs to show his appreciation. however, this all came to an end when mike teamed up with james p sullivan, another expelled scare student and a former ROR member. randall was instrumental in roar omega roar's efforts to humiliate mike and sullivan as they struggled to get back into the scare program. despite this, randall was let go anyways because he wouldnt stop selling their used underwear on ebay. randall took this rejection personally, and soon developed his toilet water addiction as a coping mechanism. rise and fall of a slursexual icon in spite of his considerable self-imposed setbacks, randall still graduated from monsters university with a degree in child-hating studies and was soon hired by monsters inc., the premiere scream energy company in the monster world. randalls lack of rights and love of slurs appealed to henry waternoose III, monsters inc.'s capitalist CEO and future president of the united states. mike and sullivan also got jobs at monsters inc in the mail room, and randall would intentionally put non-postmarked letters laced with arsenic in the mail just to make their lives harder. randall also began work on the slur extractor machine, which he originally conceived as a portable device that allows one to extract slur energies from others. waternoose found randall's torture porn experiment lab in the basement of monsters inc however, and suggested randall use his technology to solve the scream energy crisis. randall reluctantly agreed, but only in exchange for unlimited access to all men's restrooms at monsters inc and legal immunity for murdering mike's lover olaf the snowman and their unborn child with a hatchet. after many months of preparation, randall finally had a working prototype of the slur extractor machine, and was ready to begin live subject testing on human children. his plans, however, were discovered by sullivan and mike, and randall was defeated by the small child known as Boo the Randall Killer. randall was then banished to florida, where he was presumably killed by every floridian in a 20 mile radius. randall is born again the entire state of florida is located in the lower intestine of ouma kokichi, a nazi rat man who washed down his slurping of the sunshine state with some purple fanta. randall initially suffered greatly at the hands of the floridians, but after being revived by mysterious dark magic, he managed to crawl his way into ouma's brain, where he fed off of ouma's last two braincells. later, when ouma faked being transgender to get into his local high school gsa, randall was fiinally free of ouma's body as a result of an extensive tsa cavity search. ouma was then immediatley killed by Eggplant Boy, but the intervention of his father, Nagito Komaeda, somehow resulted in ouma's corpse gaining its own level of sentience. the newly formed zombie immediately latched onto randall, whom in many represents the child ouma never got to be due to his own monstrous status as heir of the komeada clan. as such the creature still known simply as ouma constantly indulges randall with sweets and minions blankets, which randall also sells on ebay. despite his new daddy's constant affections, ouma's lack of adoption rights and randall's inability to form meaningful relationships with anyone, including himself, means randall is still obsessed with finding his true father mike pence. after being free of ouma's rat body, randall then went to square enix, where he successfully petitioned to appear in the next installment of the kingdom hearts franchise, although half of his scenes were cut because he kept calling the big hero six cast slurs. randall still smells like ouma's anti sjw intestine ointment, a stench that will never leave no matter how much used toilet water he drinks, and which actively foils his plans to be respected as the inventor of the slur extrator machine. ouma has stated numerous times that he would allow himself to be sucked by randall's slur machine, but he has no rights and keeps trying to invite randall to his nsfw kin server. randall is an american. wow 5 section in and randall finally has relevance to the main plot lmao despite ouma's profoundly negative effect on randall's already abysmal quality of life, their vaguely platonic relationship did lead to the one of the most important events in recent shangry history. at randall's 20th 4th birthday, ouma invited over his usual cohort of rats, but the only one who showed up was Inc*st Man. in*cst man immediately took a liking to randall, and tried to pressure him into seducing his non-existent half brother Randall King so inc*st man could post it to his furry adult yahoo chat room. randall instantly shot him down because even he knows he had no chance with an absolute unit like Randall king, and also because inc*st is bad too i guess. when inc*st man took an interest to randall's slur extraction technology, however, randall knew they were going to get along just fine. because of his deep love for white culture, inc*st man proposed that he and randall convert the slur extractor machine into a melanin extractor machine, so that everyone would be forced to be as white and racist as him. randall agreed because as a lizard he doesnt have any melanin to extract in the first place so he figured he was safe and also like whatever. the two worked in secret for many years, conducting test runs on the entire cast of v3, which were all successul except for Angie because of her loyal devotion to shangry. this metaphorical white pride parade came to an abrupt end when in*est man and randall tried to whitewash Mike from Total Drama Island: Mike did become white, but he also biecame a sprakly trollsona kitsune due to being a confused mess of alternate personalities. with his new super goku powers, white kitsune mike killed inc*st man in one hit, but spared randall's life because he loved laughing at tapeworms. randall mistook this obvious insult for genuine kindness, and tried to repay mike by reconverting the crackerization machine into the ponysona machine, but the only one who was interested was ouma again. randall is still an american. the tragedy of bendall for a long time, randall was very insecure about his status as super high school level woman hater. it was true that he hated women so much its unreal, but he was worried that this meant he was by default a homosexual. it wasnt that he was attracted to men: randall is in fact an anti-sexual, he is opposed to all forms of "love" including love for himself. In fact, randall's anti-sexuality is so strong that its rumored that the "biggest fool of all" that randall king mentions in his hit song "mirror mirror" is actually the original randall, presumably after drinking 12 cases of mikes hard lemonade and losing his car keys in the sewers from the super mario bros movie. the fact that no one except for horny fandom kweens like Randall Queen seemed to be attracted to randall, however, very much upset the poor little dumbass, who was convinced this was somehow the result of mike wazowski hexxing his mpreg womb as revenge for olafzowski. however, there was one person who won the heart of the buscemi lizard, and that person was life long cuck Ben Shapiro. ben and randall quickly bonded on the forums of the r/incel community, each astonished to find someone who hated women and minorities as much as they did. ben however, was somehow married with children and his love of heterosexuality left him and randall very conflicted on how far to take their nasty ass relationship. with the encouragement of their mutual friend alex 'gay frogs' jones, though, ben finally worked up the courage to leave his wife and kids and propose to his true love randall with a tide pod flavored ring pop. randall was overwhelemed by this love about himself, and immediately latched onto ben's face like the face hugger alien from those alien movies and laid millions of tapeworm eggs inside ben's intenstinal tract. he and ben then decided to become the first and only republican gay couple. at the altar, however, ben shapiro was viciously assassinated by angie, as vengeance against randall for attempting to bleach her bone white. ben shapiro died in his lover randall's many arms, who was rightfully distraught when his now deceased love emptied his bowels right in his lap. unfortunately all of the bendall spawn still developing withing ben also died, save for Eraserhead Baby, the only evidence of ben shapiro's existence after angie's Ascension to shangry hood. randall is still an american. the sfw man appears after the death of bendall, randall was understandably very hurt. he was so sad he couldnt even neglect the eraserhead baby to his full child-hating extent because he was simply TOO SAD about ben shapiro. he spend all day watching hazbin hotel, his new favorite homophobic horny youtube cartoon, but even then, the sight of angel dust's enticingly transgernderningy transnipples always reminded him of that god awful trans ben shapiro image, which in turn reminded randall of the millions of bendal spawn that will never know neglect from their "fathers" many of randalls close friends (aka ouma, and like thats it) were very worried for their beloved slurple slur slinger. would he ever recover? how could he possibly move on? who could bring him out of this depressive state, when not even the anguished calls of his tapewrom child could inspire him to say something racist?? it was very dark days for poor wandall.... but then, it happened. randall was in his living room, too sad about ben to even be thinking about slurs when suddenly a portal appeared and out came some ginger troll hair fucker with a giant S on his spandex suit. the mysterious cracker called himself "the sfw man," named because he absolutely hates horniness but unlike woke asexys like anonymous "CREEPER AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW MAN" asexual, the sfw man actually really does hate the concept of frick fracking. he only has the s because he couldnt fit the other letters cuz hes kinda stupid but make no mistake: this man HATES horniness. randall didnt give a shit about this dumbass ed sheeran looking dumbass, even though he is a world famous antisexual and turbovirgin. but when the sfw man explained he was from the past, randall became a bit enticed: would it be possible to stop the bendall tragedy?? would randall ever see his slursexy husbando again?????? the answer was no: because he's so violently anti horny, the sfw man has no friends and like 200000 callouts about him being oppressive, so he only brought randall to the 1960s so randall could sleep on his couch and do dumb "throwback thursdays" middle school level bullshit with him all day on his dumb sfw island. randall soon realized that the sfw man was an even bigger turbovirginsuperloser than him and constantly made fun of him for his "incrediboy" phase, but now hes stuck in the fucking good ol days and dying of absestos-caused Mesothelioma. however, one very important event did arise from this arrangement. alongside his time travel technology and whatever the fuck else he did in the incredibles idk, sfw man also dabbled in genetic splicing, but instead of bringing back the dinosaurs like jurassic park, he decided to create a tribute to his one and only friend. using his secret sfw genetic engineering technology and his own dna, sfw man created the perfect effigy: the legendary Ouma's Mom. when introduced to his "daughter," randall immediately called her every misognystic slur in the entire universe, which possibly influenced her own love of slurs. after that, ouma's mom met some fucking rat twink named Nagito Komaeda, who she got mpregged and spawned ouma, who is now randall's born again father which is very confusing because time travel and mpreg and im not gonna think about it too much tbh cuz its like 2 am and i just wanna talk about randall anyways randall is still an american randallex kills andrew hussie meanwhile off in the current time it was 4/20, which is the funny weed joke day but also the day of the davekat thesis anniversary, celebrating the sacred ship of dave and karkat from Homestuck, also known as komeada's bible. despite being products of komeada dave and karkat are very valid and also canonically gay, as evidenced by the davekat p!nk cmv on youtube dot com. however, on the exact same day as Pope Chaz delivered the world changing davekat thesis, komeada himself announced through his cracker psuedonym "andrew hussie" that davekat was never canon and never will be because he asbolutely hates gay people that much this news devastated the davekat community, but none more so than Cardinal Alex, a shangry scholar who also simply adores davekat slurs. enraged, alex went back in time to find the one person who could help destroy andrew hussie: randall boggs. through the power of shlav canon kingz, alex went to the 1960s and found randall passed on sfw man's couch again, being sad about ben shapiro or something. alex convinced randall to merge with them to form the being "randallex," who actually looks kinda cool tbh. randall agreed to this because andrew hussie reminded him of jeffy funugs aka smooth yoda aka ariana grande, who was some guy he recruited way back during the scream extractor plan to buld the stupid thing and whom randall accidentally extracted some melanin from. anyways randallex then transported themselves right into komeada's living room, with the intent of killing him. komeada used some weird ass magic or something and like, de-merged with his andrew hussie sona idk who cares either way randallex immediately killed andrew hussie and hes dead and komeada got away who cares i dont know what happened next but i do know randall is still an american trivia and fun facts * randall's page on the shangry bible is actually the second longest, second only to I Love Kyle. This fits the overarching motif in randall's life that dictates he must always be second place in anything he does, as penance for his tapeworm crimes. * despite being officially listed as an enemy of shangryism, randall is actually very neutral on the shangry family drama and the concept of religion in general, and is only really involved due to his ties to ouma and pence. likewise, randall is not actually a republican despite being an american, because he has no interest in politics outside of making child torture legal. * it is not clear how the monster pocket dimension functions in connection to the overall shangryverse, but either way randall is illegal and punishable by death in both * it is very interesting how randall knows so many people named "mike," two of whom are enemies and one of whom will never notice him. its just a coincidence honestly but it is funny watching him squirm like the parasitic grub he is when he doesnt know which mike you're talking about. * this article was drafted entirely by Cardinal Vicki, who has drafted much of the randall lore within the shangry bible aside from the crackerization saga and has managed to brute force their obsession with randall into their fellow shangry scholars' hearts, minds, and intestines. this isnt even a fact tbh this a cry for help please i cant stop thinking about randall please i dont wanna have the dreams anymore PLEAS PULL THE TRIGGERCategory:Incels Category:People who say slurs Category:People with no rights Category:Diseases Category:Randall Family Category:Monsters Inc Universe Category:Fathers